Games, tricks, camouflage
Somehow we are engaged in endless rounds of
Wit race
Caught in the middle
In the deadly channel of Scylla and Charybdis
Where my mephistopheles, my sleek serpent
Writhes with a shining white satin
–A sight so frightening yet dazzling
Briefly,
A fleeting profile
Came into view
It had to be you
I just knew
Without the need to check
My thumping heart
The air, the breeze
Announced your flickering presence
In the gray light of day
November is the windiest month
Stirring memory and desire,
Thoughts about the past springing in my mind…
Wait, does memory always coincide with desire?
With pain?
Na, not really. I’m just reminiscing.
Now with the textbook burdening my shoulder,
Contact lenses hurting my eyes,
The whirling wind drying my skin,
I’m drowning in the memory
–Of you.
I dreamed about G again last night.
After a conversation with an honest him the other day, I have decided to given up on him for good. How many times have I told myself so, anyway? Yet my resolution always falter at unknown powers…
I am still not sure about my feelings for G. His ignorance and rudeness never fail to irritate me. However, I am tempted by his innocence in a way. How good it would be to live in ignorance, not knowing the cruelty of the world.
My dream was very long. It began with a field trip of the school. How can there be field trips for college students? Well, dreams always have odd time sequences.
Our destination was a cottage by some stream. The cottage was rather spacious though, accommodating hundreds of students. A lecture was held inside the cottage. The lecturere was invited by my professor, Guy. Although I was reluctant to attend the lecture, my professor pushed me inside the house.
I do not remember the content of the leture, nor does it matter. I remember sitting inside the house while looking out of the window at the boys, who were playing in the balcony or jumping into the water from the height of second floor; some were swimming.
After the lecture, I went home. Again, dreams make no sense. My home is quite far away from my university. I cannot just go home after school. Anyway, I went home, and then for some reason I learned that G was hurt and was hospitalized. As soon as hearing about the news, I got onto my bicycle to rush to the hospital. Before I left home, Grandpa (he passed away more than 10 years ago, ah dreams…) handed me a little something and said that the patient could massage himself with the little toy. I took it and started my short trip.
I remember riding on my bike at an unbelievable speed. I was fraught with worries. When I arrived at the hospital, I saw G’s parents and other relatives there. At first I tried to avoid them, yet it was impossible. So I made my appearance from behind the walls and saluted his parents. They were nice people. I told them I was there to see G.
“Oh, he has so many friends,” they laughed heartily. “Some people just visited him a while ago.”
I presumed that the people who came earlier must have been from his club. I found the number of the room he stayed in, knocked on it and entered it. There was a girl inside who seemed to be his cousin. G was asleep, so I talked to his cousin.
“So many people have come,” I said.
“Well, yeah,” laughed the girl, “it’s like traveling to some place, haha.” What an odd answer!
And then G woke up, and his cousin walked out of the room, leaving G and me alone.
“Hey,” I said, “are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” he smiled, “Should be out of the hospital tomorrow.”
“Oh,” I said, taking the tool my grandpa gave me out of my pocket. “Here, this is for you. You can use this to massage yourself and should feel better.”
He seemed moved at my action. When I handed him the tool, he took my hand tightly, not letting me go. I would have been shocked or embarrassed had this happened in real life, but I wasn’t in my dream. He took my hand under his cheek on the pillow. He was so warm. I guess he was running a fever.
After he fell asleep again, I walked out of the room. I said goodbye to his parents and relatives and went home. Then, the dream was over.
What a horrible dream! I don’t want to care for G anymore. Somehow he keeps showing up in my dreams. Oh, Morpheus, please have mercy. If you make him appear so often, how do I forget about him?
I had a turbulent Christmas. Literally, Christmas Day has not arrived yet, but everyone in my university had the celebration spirit on Friday (yesterday).
I had planned several activities to participate in as celebration. When I was a teenager, I didn’t care even though I had to spend the special holiday with my mom or by myself. Now that I’m 20, I started to feel the desire to celebrate, for some reason.
If you read my blog entries last January, you can see there is one person whom I’d love to spend the day with. He, however, has no interest in me. In order to prevent embarrassment of being rejected, I told Amy that I was going to the school dancing party with her.
Yet, I had ordered holiday chocolate for the guy. With the approaching of Christmas, my heart fluttered with the possibilities I could have with him. I still cannot make sure whether I truly like him. We’ve only met for, say, five times or so and barely spoke to each other. Although I may understand him since he posts everything on his mind on his personal board, he doesn’t know me.
Somehow I had overcome my shyness and restrictions. After three days of struggling, I finally tricked him into asking me out. I was on cloud nine.
I told Amy I couldn’t go to the dancing party with her then. She didn’t mind and seemed happy to know that there is some guy.
Fighting with my shyness had strong mental impacts on me. I couldn’t sleep at night and could not eat much. I was self-conscious about my appearance. He complained that I was not pretty in the past. Shallow and stupid guy, eh? I have become considerably prettier this semester; still, I wanted to impress him. I borrowed a gorgeous coat and a bag from my chic roommate and applied intricate but not flashy make-up. Seven also convinced me to set up my hair for the day.
He invited me to go to a terrible school movie with him on Friday (yesterday). When I woke up yesterday morning, my disturbed mood had been appeased. I wanted to be spontaneous and charming. I did not know that yesterday was one of the days that I will never forget all my life.
I received his mail at 9:30 yesterday morning. He told me that he decided to drag another guy with him to the movies. Also, he was going to have dinner with his friends so that he had to leave right after the movie was over.
I rarely felt so incensed. I was angry that he thought so little of me. Although not seen by others, I have sacrificed a lot to be this forward, asking him out, giving him gifts, etc. What has he done to me in return? Also, what could I say to the other guy (his friend)? Was he trying to flaunt to everyone that I was chasing after him?
Everyone around me suggested that I give up on him, not going to the movies. But I need to make him see me. Thus, I would go to the place where we decided to meet, saying hello and leaving. I wanted to drag a friend with me as well.
However, no one could go with me. Most of my friends went home. Others were occupied on other occasions. Besides, no one would go to the dancing party since I told everyone I was not going.
I wore the gorgeous coat, took the beautiful bag, and had the cute hairstyle, looking pretty but alone and angry. How could everyone do so to me? I had planned for the day for a week, and now…
I left my dorm at 5:30. Our dating time was 5:50, but I was tired of sitting in my dorm doing nothing. I wandered around the auditorium, not knowing what to do. Afraid that he would see me so disturbed, I hid myself behind the trees, looking anxiously at the auditorium.
Suddenly, a guy came and stood there. I thought I was expecting two guys (he and his friend), so I ignored the person. He doesn’t look like him, anyway. After several minutes, he was still there. I grew curious so I came out from behind the trees to see him more clearly.
Mine, it was really him! Where was the other guy, I dared not ask.
“Hello,” I managed. He looked great, better than I had imagined him. I have never seen him with black-framed glasses, which made him mysterious and smart-looking. In the dim light, I could not tell the color of his coat or his bag. His posture, contrary to his shy temperament and foolish nature, was calm and confident.
“Hi,” he said. “Let’s get the tickets first, and…”
“Er, I…” nervously, I cut him off. “Look, my high school classmate suddenly came today and I’ve gotta go. I’m sorry.” Then I took out the Santa Claus candy bar I had saved for him out of my roommate’s beautiful bag. “Merry Christmas,” I said.
He took the candy from my trembling hand. “Thanks. Oh, I’ve received the chocolate, too, in the fourth period this morning.” He took the chocolate from inside his bag and showed it to me. It was so tiny. I suddenly felt ashamed that I had used the mysterious gift to trick him into asking me out.
“So,” he said, “you had other things to do later?”
“Um…” I struggled whether I should tell the truth or not. Yet my sanity prevailed. “Yeah,” I said, after a short pause, “sorry about that.”
“It’s OK,” he replied, smiling. I suddenly found his slightly misshaped teeth so endearing. “Maybe another day, then.”
“Sure,” I smiled, too, wondering if my delicate appearance had left an impression on his mind. “So, bye bye.”
“Bye,” he said, then entering the auditorium. As soon as I had my back on him, my face twisted, regretting that I had rejected him. It took me a lot to have him out, and I just let him go so easily.
I virtually ran away from the auditorium. Then I bumped into my professor, Guy.
“Hey, Debby, ” he said, with the always overly vivacious smile. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going out of the campus.” I blurbed. It was true. Where else could I go, then? “I had a bad day!”
“Oh,” he was still smiling. It was rare for him not to smile, anyway. “But you look like you’re ready for something big.”
Yes, I was ready for something big, but I’d ruined it myself. Through our walking out of the campus, I told Guy (not in detail, of course) how all my plans collapsed and how upset I felt. He must have thought that I was hysterical. Oh, well, who cares?
Strolling on the “Snacks’ Streets” outside of the campus, strong clarity struck me that he didn’t mean to shame me by inviting his friend and abandoning me after the movie. I was angry with him all day long, but I guess the rage dissolved after I saw him. Moreover, his friend was not there. Did he change his mind again and was willing to watch the movie only with me? What did he mean by “so you have other things to do later?”
I’ve lost him with my pride and skepticism. I know he hates people who are not punctual or turn down on him on the settled appointments. Perhaps it was also his fault. It was rude for him to suddenly let me down on the special day. Foolish as he is, he probably did not understand how he would hurt me through his actions.
After wandering aimlessly, I returned to the dorm again. I phoned Erica and told her that I needed someone to see my hair. I could not stand releasing it so early without being seen by many people. Two hours later, I went out with her and purchased a new set of blush (for my face).
It was a memorable “the day before Christmas Eve.”
I cannot live with you,
It would be life,
And life is over there
Behind the shelf
–Emily Dickinson
I guess I really like him, then. But we cannot be with each other. Our thoughts operate in different directions. There are doomed to be more miscommunications if I interact with him more. Besides, I am going to graduate (one year early) and am supposed to work on my career plans.
*You were handsome, G. You wrote so on your board, you conceited fool! But it was true. You know it and I know it. Please, tell me that I was pretty, too.*
I’m not going down on my knees
Begging you to adore me
Can’t you see it’s misery
And torture for me
–Depeche Mode “Shake the Disease”
If I told you that I’m attracted to you
Would you tell me you feel the same way too?
If I told you that it was love at first sight
Would you be right here by my side?
But you would not
The bells ringing
The tasks calling
The games enticing
You have no time
For me
I would not beg you to stay
Instead of having a blithe bird caged
I will watch you fly away
She said to me when we grow older
Will we still need young love on our shoulders?
Does it just fade away? Will we ever know?
–Robbie Williams “Win Some Lose Some”
I bought a cup of black tea to have along with my breakfast this morning. When I took a sip, I was astonished to find that it was cold. Inasmuch as I love black tea, a cold cup of it did not appeal to me much on this chilly day. Later I took it with me to the class, and I knew that I wanted it to be hotter. Therefore, I poured out some of the tea and put in some hot water. Its taste was, of course, diluted, yet that was what I wanted.
Is it the same with love? I am quite sure what kind of love I truly yearn for. It seems impossible for me to find my Mr. Right for the time being, and I have a candidate now, with whom I would like to share my fleeting youthful days. I am dying to taste the strong flavors of young love. However, is my impatience wrong?
I’m fully aware that my candidate at present is not the ideal person for me. He is like the cold black tea, which I adored but was not suitable for my needs. If I wait a little longer, the added hot water would definitely be rewarding, even though the flavor is impossible to be as strong.
If only love were as simple as a cup of tea!
People, you can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them steal your heart from you
People, will always make a lover feel a fool
But you know I loved you
–George Michael “Kissing a Fool”
Although I didn’t sleep well last night, as always, I felt quite energetic this morning. It was a bit chilly and extremely windy, but I wore my short skirt to look lovely (hopefully). I looked at myself in the mirror after applying a little makeup, and I thought I looked fine.
How could I look fine after days of sleeplessness and pressure of examinations? You know (but you don’t) it was because of you. We chatted last night online, though briefly, I was on cloud nine already.
You didn’t show any conspicuous interest in me. You just told me that you had played the video game for too long and wasted the time supposed to have been reserved for studying. There is nothing special about the talk, but I felt good after finally having some kind of interaction with you.
It is a bit frightening to me, knowing that you can be a source of my energy. My excitement made no sense since I didn’t know if you actually cared a little about me. In a way, I know you didn’t. You are too naïve to be thinking about this when you’re preoccupied with your game or your schoolwork.
Well, good luck on your exams! Afterwards, let’s go out someday, shall we? I will never have the guts to ask you out in real life, and I’ve always been hoping that you’d ask me someday, impossible as it seems.
Last week was hellish, dare I say it. I had SIX exams to go through! I was on the verge of becoming mad on Thursday. Fortunately, I didn’t have to do the report on the “interface design” class on Thursday. As other groups were doing presentations, I prostrated on the desk to steal a nap while the teacher had her back to the whole class.
Around ten minutes later, I woke up, feeling slightly better from my fatigue. My gaze turned to the stage and I saw him. Honestly, he wasn’t good-looking and his clothes were sloppy. Yet from his feature, I saw some quasi-resemblence to Dave Gahan.
Yes, Dave Gahan from DM!
For a moment I couldn’t normally breathe. When his report was over, he returned to his seat in the back of the classroom. Therefore, everyone must pass by his seat if wanting to get out from the back door. I was truly fluttered when I got pass him. It was nice to see a “fake” Dave in that terrible week of mine. Hey, and Dave isn’t even my favorite in DM! What would happen if I see Martin or Alan? Or Sting? The list can go on…
