Words of Innocence and Experience

The things that I know
Nobody told me
The seeds that are sown
They still control me
–George Michael “The Strangest Thing”

Although one and a half week has elapsed since I took the entrance exam right on campus, at my school NTHU, something in the back of my mind propels me to note the occurences down.

The exam was held on Saturday. Since I virtually did not study whatsoever for the exam, I should’ve tried to make amends on the last day. Unfortunately, I didn’t. I opened the Word file of one of my favorite Gone with the Wind fanfictions and started reading it from the beggining to the end, having not read it in entirety before. Although guilty and antsy, I assured myself that at least I was reading English.

I persisted in finishing reading the story so that I ended up going to bed at one a.m. I woke up at eight the next morning, feeling not exactly refreshed but all right. I finally picked up my textbook Introduction to Language and began flipping through the pages absent-mindedly.

The exam was due at 10:20, but I left the dormitory early. Not wanting anyone to recognize me, particularly my professors, I wore glasses to the exam. I climbed up the mountains to the Humanity Science Building as usual, as if attending a regular class. It was a warm and sunny day and the campus glowed with life. It was not until I reached the building did I panick. I’ve never seen so many people in the building, which has been dark and dreary. Everyone was fixated on their studies, and I barely studied at all. The desire to abandon the test overwhelmed me, the anxiety strenghthened when I couldn’t find the classroom. Yet as long as I did, I stayed, trying to gather my composure.

The first test was on Liguistics. The heavy burden on my mind was lifted when I scanned through the questions on the test sheet, most of which comprehensible to me. After finishing taking the test, there was only one question about which I have no clue. My heart leapt with joy and a sudden sense of haughtiness fill my veins.

I bought some noodles at the cafeteria and paced back to the dorm. I wondered how many students were as at ease as I was.

The second test was on Applied Liguistics, along with some bits of Social Liguistics and English Instruction. Since I did not take courses about the latter two subjects, I do not know how to answer the questions concerning them. All of a sudden I began making up stories. I was certain that my lame answers would enrage the professors, yet I could not stand leaving the sheet with so much blank space. After the test was over, I became really tired, wishing the exam to be over at the moment.

The final test was English composition. I sighed with relief when I saw that I was only asked to summarize an article and write a response to it. The article, which was on English Instruction, was a lot easier to understand than the essays on literature I am used to reading. However, it stabbed at my heart ruthlessly since it is the answer to one of the questions from the previous test, indicating my mistake. Immediately I wiped the negative feelings off my mind and started reading. At the first reading, my eyes see through the words but could not get their meaning. I felt like screaming. Yet when I ventured for the second time, everything made sense.

When the exam was over, I rushed down the mountains as quickly as I could and managed to catch the bus to Taichung, my hometown. I wanted to sleep my exhausion off, yet my brain was restless even with closed eyelids. I did not feel happy or sad, just undeniable numbness.

I had no idea if I did OK on the tests. I still don’t know now. English Instruction has always been a field which I try my best to avoid due to lack of interest. However, for convenience’s sake, I signed up for the exam and took it eventually. If I am admitted, isn’t it extremely unfair to those who have persevered a lot? It doesn’t matter. The result has not been announced yet, and I’ve been treated horribly most of my life. I need a miracle, after all.