Words of Innocence and Experience

I had a turbulent Christmas. Literally, Christmas Day has not arrived yet, but everyone in my university had the celebration spirit on Friday (yesterday).

I had planned several activities to participate in as celebration. When I was a teenager, I didn’t care even though I had to spend the special holiday with my mom or by myself. Now that I’m 20, I started to feel the desire to celebrate, for some reason.

If you read my blog entries last January, you can see there is one person whom I’d love to spend the day with. He, however, has no interest in me. In order to prevent embarrassment of being rejected, I told Amy that I was going to the school dancing party with her.

Yet, I had ordered holiday chocolate for the guy. With the approaching of Christmas, my heart fluttered with the possibilities I could have with him. I still cannot make sure whether I truly like him. We’ve only met for, say, five times or so and barely spoke to each other. Although I may understand him since he posts everything on his mind on his personal board, he doesn’t know me.

Somehow I had overcome my shyness and restrictions. After three days of struggling, I finally tricked him into asking me out. I was on cloud nine.

I told Amy I couldn’t go to the dancing party with her then. She didn’t mind and seemed happy to know that there is some guy.

Fighting with my shyness had strong mental impacts on me. I couldn’t sleep at night and could not eat much. I was self-conscious about my appearance. He complained that I was not pretty in the past. Shallow and stupid guy, eh? I have become considerably prettier this semester; still, I wanted to impress him. I borrowed a gorgeous coat and a bag from my chic roommate and applied intricate but not flashy make-up. Seven also convinced me to set up my hair for the day.

He invited me to go to a terrible school movie with him on Friday (yesterday). When I woke up yesterday morning, my disturbed mood had been appeased. I wanted to be spontaneous and charming. I did not know that yesterday was one of the days that I will never forget all my life.

I received his mail at 9:30 yesterday morning. He told me that he decided to drag another guy with him to the movies. Also, he was going to have dinner with his friends so that he had to leave right after the movie was over.

I rarely felt so incensed. I was angry that he thought so little of me. Although not seen by others, I have sacrificed a lot to be this forward, asking him out, giving him gifts, etc. What has he done to me in return? Also, what could I say to the other guy (his friend)? Was he trying to flaunt to everyone that I was chasing after him?

Everyone around me suggested that I give up on him, not going to the movies. But I need to make him see me. Thus, I would go to the place where we decided to meet, saying hello and leaving. I wanted to drag a friend with me as well.

However, no one could go with me. Most of my friends went home. Others were occupied on other occasions. Besides, no one would go to the dancing party since I told everyone I was not going.

I wore the gorgeous coat, took the beautiful bag, and had the cute hairstyle, looking pretty but alone and angry. How could everyone do so to me? I had planned for the day for a week, and now…

I left my dorm at 5:30. Our dating time was 5:50, but I was tired of sitting in my dorm doing nothing. I wandered around the auditorium, not knowing what to do. Afraid that he would see me so disturbed, I hid myself behind the trees, looking anxiously at the auditorium.

Suddenly, a guy came and stood there. I thought I was expecting two guys (he and his friend), so I ignored the person. He doesn’t look like him, anyway. After several minutes, he was still there. I grew curious so I came out from behind the trees to see him more clearly.

Mine, it was really him! Where was the other guy, I dared not ask.

“Hello,” I managed. He looked great, better than I had imagined him. I have never seen him with black-framed glasses, which made him mysterious and smart-looking. In the dim light, I could not tell the color of his coat or his bag. His posture, contrary to his shy temperament and foolish nature, was calm and confident.

“Hi,” he said. “Let’s get the tickets first, and…”

“Er, I…” nervously, I cut him off. “Look, my high school classmate suddenly came today and I’ve gotta go. I’m sorry.” Then I took out the Santa Claus candy bar I had saved for him out of my roommate’s beautiful bag. “Merry Christmas,” I said.

He took the candy from my trembling hand. “Thanks. Oh, I’ve received the chocolate, too, in the fourth period this morning.” He took the chocolate from inside his bag and showed it to me. It was so tiny. I suddenly felt ashamed that I had used the mysterious gift to trick him into asking me out.

“So,” he said, “you had other things to do later?”

“Um…” I struggled whether I should tell the truth or not. Yet my sanity prevailed. “Yeah,” I said, after a short pause, “sorry about that.”

“It’s OK,” he replied, smiling. I suddenly found his slightly misshaped teeth so endearing. “Maybe another day, then.”

“Sure,” I smiled, too, wondering if my delicate appearance had left an impression on his mind. “So, bye bye.”

“Bye,” he said, then entering the auditorium. As soon as I had my back on him, my face twisted, regretting that I had rejected him. It took me a lot to have him out, and I just let him go so easily.

I virtually ran away from the auditorium. Then I bumped into my professor, Guy.

“Hey, Debby, ” he said, with the always overly vivacious smile. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going out of the campus.” I blurbed. It was true. Where else could I go, then? “I had a bad day!”

“Oh,” he was still smiling. It was rare for him not to smile, anyway. “But you look like you’re ready for something big.”

Yes, I was ready for something big, but I’d ruined it myself. Through our walking out of the campus, I told Guy (not in detail, of course) how all my plans collapsed and how upset I felt. He must have thought that I was hysterical. Oh, well, who cares?

Strolling on the “Snacks’ Streets” outside of the campus, strong clarity struck me that he didn’t mean to shame me by inviting his friend and abandoning me after the movie. I was angry with him all day long, but I guess the rage dissolved after I saw him. Moreover, his friend was not there. Did he change his mind again and was willing to watch the movie only with me? What did he mean by “so you have other things to do later?”

I’ve lost him with my pride and skepticism. I know he hates people who are not punctual or turn down on him on the settled appointments. Perhaps it was also his fault. It was rude for him to suddenly let me down on the special day. Foolish as he is, he probably did not understand how he would hurt me through his actions.

After wandering aimlessly, I returned to the dorm again. I phoned Erica and told her that I needed someone to see my hair. I could not stand releasing it so early without being seen by many people. Two hours later, I went out with her and purchased a new set of blush (for my face).

It was a memorable “the day before Christmas Eve.”

I cannot live with you,
It would be life,
And life is over there
Behind the shelf
–Emily Dickinson

I guess I really like him, then. But we cannot be with each other. Our thoughts operate in different directions. There are doomed to be more miscommunications if I interact with him more. Besides, I am going to graduate (one year early) and am supposed to work on my career plans.

*You were handsome, G. You wrote so on your board, you conceited fool! But it was true. You know it and I know it. Please, tell me that I was pretty, too.*